Dear Blog | Here Is What I (Want) Have In Life...
Dear Blog,
I often make attempts to keep a blog or journal. I usually feel inspired to do this when I'm feeling down, lost, or when things are not going my way. Then that feeling changes and I lose interest in writing.
And here I am, blogging again. Yes, I am feeling anxious and lost. Actually, I feel trapped. I'm not in my home and I can't see my family or sleep in my own bed for another 42 hours.
But I shouldn't complain. I'm in a helping profession and the children need this. They need me. There are so many pros and benefits to my profession... yet I'm not completely happy. And reminding myself of why I should be happy is only lying to myself.
I want to start off by saying that I am so grateful. I am in a good situation. I am gaining amazing experience while making a good income. Yet I feel disappointment in the morning. Anxiety, too. Maybe even depression. Is it fair to deny myself these feeling and emotions?
No, it's not fair. Because that is my mind, body, and soul's way of telling me that I am not yet finished.
I have goose bumps. I am listening to Ralph Smart (from Infinite Waters) as I write this and he spoke about how it's important to keep a "depressed journal" to monitor how you feel. That is just what I intend to do.
Anyways, a really good question I have for myself is why I'm not happy. I'm not entirely sure. I don't necessarily want to be home 24/7 watching TV and cleaning. I desire to create a living... but I want to do it on my terms. I don't believe we came into existence to ask for permission to go on a vacation or to take a sick day. We did not come here to give all of our time, energy, and resources to others, making us feel drained and tired.
So basically, I know what I don't want. So... what do I want? I have been scared to answer this honestly. I'm afraid what I want is asking for too much. I'm afraid I don't deserve it. I'm afraid it will never happen.
But I am special, unique and, different. But the funny thing is that I am not unique to this. We all are. And we all have the right to live the life we want. Which is a free life.
So I will answer the question "What do I want?"
1. I (want) have a lifestyle. Not a career. Not a job.
2. I (want to) am contributing to the world in some way. I don't necessarily want to win the lottery and get free money. I mean, that's great but that will not fulfill me. I (want to) am helping and inspiring people to be free, too.
3. I (want to) am working on my own terms. I don't want to have a work schedule created by someone else.
4. I (want to) am working from home. Or wherever I want for that matter.
5. I (want) have an active income. How amazing is it to earn money from a project you completed months, weeks, or even years ago?
I feel selfish. I feel like I'm asking for a lot. But I have to remind myself that having desires, wants, and wishes is natural and healthy. Yes, I am happy and grateful for my life right now. But we are meant to progress in life. We are not meant to be stagnant.
How am I going to manifests these desires? I trust the Universe. It has all of our backs. And every day I feel like I'm getting closer and closer. Also, I am willing to work. I will do what it takes.
So what am I going to do about it? I am going back to school in January to complete my Masters. I'm going to revamp my blog and I'm going to continue to promote it. I don't know exactly where it will lead me but I trust it is leading me in the right direction.
Thanks for listening,
Confessions of an Awakened Youth
I wrote this over a month ago and never published it. Notice in my list of things I want, I have "want" in brackets. I have learned that saying "I want" is not how we attract the things we desire. We must act like we already have it. That's why I changed it to "I have" or "I am".
Do you guys like being inside my head? How are you feeling? Let me know in the comments.
